by Darren Hound - 17th January 2016
It’s time, it’s January, the month of heroes, it’s every man for himself, 30 men enter the ring, there can be only one winner, it’s the 2016 Royal Rumble! Wonderkid edition…
Just like the WWE(F) version, each man enters at 90 second intervals with an order determined by random draw, the match continues until all men have entered the ring, elimination occurs when a wonderkid is thrown over the top rope with both feet hitting the floor below. The last man standing will be declared the 2016 Wonderkid Royal Rumble Champion!!
So let’s have a quick check on the favourites going into the match. The French lads are the bookies choice as it stands with Anthony ‘Martial Law’ and Kingsley ‘Coman the Destroyer’ the top choices, Adrien ‘The Adonis’ Rabiot is not too far behind but a lot of late money has gone on crowd favourite Gabriel Barbosa, and the Brazilian has been backed into fourth favourite.
I’ll be calling the action as it happens, but I’ll be throwing over at ringside to Harry ‘the Hound’ Redknapp and ‘the Brain’ Paul Merson during the contest for their expert views. Speaking of which, welcome to the Wonderkid Rumble gentlemen, who do you think will win? We’ll start with you Harry, “well ‘triffic to be here Daz, I can’t see past Niko Kranjcar, signed him before and never lets anyone down, great lad Niko, great lad.” Don’t actually think he’s going to be in the Rumble actually Harry, Merse what are your thoughts? Merse? This way Merse… “For me I can’t believe Jermain Defoe isn’t involved in the match, he’d be in my selection all day long, all day long. But I’ll pick the German lad G.. Getchka.. Geisha.. what is it?” You mean Leon Goretzka? Ok thanks for the thoughts guys, we’ll come back to you a little later.
The time has now arrived, we’re almost set to see who drew number’s 1 and 2 in the random draw, it’s time for the 2016 Wonderkid Royal Rumble!! (hosted by FanFormation.com).
The music hits, the sounds of German Oompah music fills the arena, it’s the blonde bombshell that is Julian ‘Beavis’ Brandt. Beavis Brandt is number 1, he comes down to the ring and just looks happy to be involved. Now we wait to see who will join him as we start the Rumble match. Number 2 is the ‘Z Man’, it’s Andrija Zivkovic! The Serbian highlight reel is the second entrant. Tough draw on these lads, can’t see either being there at the end.
Z Man and Beavis Brandt begin with some pacey, high flying action, Zivkovic takes control with some quick kicks to the mid-section and the blonde German is on the canvas. Here comes competitor Number 3, it’s Adrien ‘The Adonis’ Rabiot!! Look at his hair it’s marvellous, and wait who’s that with him? It’s Virgil, Rabiot’s mother has paid Virgil’s 10-dollar fee and he’s body guarding the Adonis. He slides gracefully into the ring and is met with a flurry of kicks from Zivkovic, Rabiot is protecting his hair at all costs. What do you make of Rabiot’s hair Merse? “top top drawer”. Cheers Merse. Beavis Brandt is back up and the two high flyers are double teaming the big Frenchman, but Virgil is up on the apron and cracks Z Man with the brass knucks, Rabiot takes control and hit’s Brandt with the “Ooh la la” leg drop. The buzzer sounds and we’re already at number 4, it’s the ShockMastour!! Hachim Mastour is dancing down to the ring, Rabiot is looking on nonplussed. Mastour gets in the ring and immediately plays to the crowd, then begins to strut like the Nature Boy but here comes Rabiot with a big elbow and Mastour is sent flying over the ropes. ShockMastour is eliminated and the Adonis goes back to work on Julian Brandt. Number 5 is on his way out now and it’s Breel Embolo the powerful Swiss, he saunters down to the ring as Rabiot picks up the still dazed Zivkovic and drops him over the top rope. We’re down to three men again as it’s Beavis Brandt, Rabiot the Adonis and Breel Embolo. Embolo spears the Adonis immediately and Virgil is going crazy on the outside, then hits Brandt with a spinning slam that he calls the ‘Swiss Roll’. Embolo is standing tall in the centre of the ring. What an impact from the big man. Harry, what do you make of Breel Embolo? “triffic lad him, I tried to sign him for Portsmouth”, but Harry he would have been about 10... “triffic player”. Ok thanks Harry back to the action.
Number 6 is about to come out, and Luke Shaw’s music hits… but he’s injured… nobody is coming ou… no wait, who is this? We have a replacement entry, who is it? He’s wearing an old Southampton shirt and is led to the ring by Graeme Souness, it’s the guy who pretended to be George Weah’s cousin, it’s Ali Dia! Souness doesn’t look happy as he pushed Dia into the ring straight into Embolo, a stiff clothesline from the Swiss powerhouse and Dia is sent tumbling back over the ropes. Souness looks pissed and kicks the faux Liberian all the way back up the ramp. Back to the action and Embolo is working on Rabiot in the corner, here comes Brandt with a flying knee and drops Embolo to the canvas. Number 7 is on his way to the ring and it’s the little Brazilian Gabriel Jesus, a real rookie, but he flies into the ring and goes straight for the Adonis. Brandt attempts to lift Embolo over the ropes but doesn’t have the strength to get it done, Gabriel Jesus attempts to offer a hand but it’s too late and Embolo breaks free and delivers a huge double takedown on the pair. Rabiot begs off in the corner allowing Virgil to distract Embolo long enough for the Adonis to deliver a low blow and dump the big Swiss over the top to the floor. Impressive performance by Embolo, what did you make of Embolo Merse? “He’s got Ebola? Shouldn’t really be in there then, what’s he doing” No Embolo Merse, Embolo. Anyway. Back to the ring.
Next down the ramp is the Croatian flyer Alen Halilovic, in the ring Gabriel Jesus and Julian Brandt are exchanging tired chops in the corner and Rabiot is holding the ropes trying to compose himself. He was a big favourite before the Rumble started but the Adonis is already blowing hard. Here comes Halilovic but is cut off by a flying Brandt, it’s the battle of the little blonde men. Gabriel Jesus spots an advantage and charges towards the Adonis, but Adrien Rabiot drops his shoulder and flips the little Brazilian high over the ropes just as the buzzer sounds for competitor number 9, it’s the German Eagle Julian Weigl. Weigl joins Brandt in the corner as the pair work over the young Croat Halilovic, but what’s Rabiot up to in the other corner? Virgil appears to be applying aftershave and hairspray to the Frenchman, that’s some first class work from Virgil there. What did you make of that Merse? “top drawer, top top top drawer”, cheer Merse back to the action. Here come’s number 10, oh my god it’s Big Bad Niklas Süle, look at the size of that monster, who’s that in the crowd there wearing a baseball cap? It appears to be Tony Pulis jacking himself off, fair play Tony he is your kind of guy I guess.
Süle steps over the ropes as he enters the ring and everyone looks straight at him, he could cause some serious damage in this match. Brandt and Weigl try to double team their big compatriot but can’t get him off his feet, big chops to both men sends them flying to the canvas and a big boot to Halilovic nearly takes the Croats head clean off. Süle begins choking Weigl while the buzzer goes off once again, it’s entrant number 11, it’s Kingsley Coman!! Coman the Destroyer is here, one of the big favourites. The crowd goes wild as he launches into Süle with rights and lefts, then a big axe handle from the top dazes the German but as Coman runs in for a clothesline he’s met with a big boot and Süle is back in control. Halilovic climbs the turnbuckles and attempts a flying cross body on the giant, but Big Bad Süle catches him with ease and drops him over the ropes. Halilovic is outta here. Rabiot is back in action again after catching his breath and he rakes the eyes of Coman in the corner. Brandt and Weigl are again trying to work together against Süle and hit a double low blow, which send the big German into a rage as the buzzer sounds for number 12. The ladies’ man Timo Werner makes his way to the ring as Süle launches Julian Weigl over the top rope in anger. Werner and Brandt go in for the attack on the big man, but Beavis Brandt is tipped over the ropes and is quickly followed by Werner who attempted his “fast porn Timo” running knee strike. Poor showing by Werner but what a performance from Julian Brandt after coming in at number 1. We’re down to three in the ring as it’s Kingsley Coman the Destroyer, Adrien the Adonis Rabiot and big bad Niklas Süle. Rabiot cowers in the corner as Coman hit’s his combination punches which he calls ‘Fucking A and Fucking B’ on the powerhouse Süle. He has the German wobbling on the ropes, but one attack too many and Coman is flipped to the outside. Wow a huge favourite has been dismissed. What are your thoughts Harry? “When does Tal Ben Haim come in?” not sure he’s in this Harry, “triffic player is Tal, never lets anyone down”, ok thanks Harry.
Süle is stalking the Frenchman Rabiot in the corner, who is pleading for mercy. The buzzer sounds and here comes number 13. Look at the size of that man, it’s Gianluigi Donnarumma in a Giant Gonzales hairy naked bodysuit. He’s even bigger than Süle. The two giants stand toe to toe in the middle of the ring and exchange giant overhand chops, big boot by Donnarumma and it sends the German staggering backwards, another huge big boot and Süle is gone! Süle is gone! What’s this, Rabiot from behind with the brass knucks, low blow to Donnarumma and the big Italian is rolled over the ropes onto Süle below, Rabiot is left alone in the ring as the two giants fight to the back. Rabiot think he’s won it, but we still have a long way to go.
Number 14 is about to come down to the ring, who will it be, it’s Anthony Martial! Martial Law is coming to town! Frenchman vs Frenchman, it’s like the Revolution all over again, but confined inside a ring with two young footballers trading blows, but still exactly like the French Revolution. Martial runs wild on Rabiot, absolute scenes as the Adonis’ beautiful hair is in a shambolic sweaty state, this is hard to watch. Rights, lefts, a swinging DDT, Rabiot is in real trouble here. Virgil climbs up onto the apron but Martial lays down the Law on him too with a sweet super kick to knock the bodyguard flying. The buzzer sounds again, we’re half way there as number 15 makes his arrival. Chants of “USA USA” fill the arena, don’t worry it’s not Hacksaw Jim Duggan, it’s the American Dream Julian Green. He’s carrying good old stars and stripes as he plays to the fans, Rabiot is still on the receiving end from Martial as Green eventually climbs in, only to be met with a touch of Martial Law himself.
Martial is really showing why he was one of the favourites for this match, and with the exit of Coman earlier his confidence is sky high. He tries to lift Rabiot over the ropes but the Adonis goes dead weight and Martial can’t get the job done. Green attacks from behind and Rabiot escapes to the corner. Number 16 is already on his way out and it’s Youri Tielemans, the man of a thousand moves. Sweep kick to Green, then a sleeper hold to Martial, Tielemans is looking to take control. But my word, Rabiot has just launched out the corner and hit Tielemans with a running punt to the scrotum. The bloody scrotum!! Tielemans is down, way down, I don’t think he’s going to recover from that disgraceful kick. Unbelievable from Rabiot, Merse, would you have done something like that? “all day long, all day long”, you’re a bad man Merse, a bad man.
Number 17 is ‘One in a Million’ Maximilian Meyer who sprints to the ring and immediately tips the ailing Julian Green over the top ropes, the American Dream is gone, we’re back down to four men. Rabiot, Martial, Tielemans and Meyer, what a performance by the Adonis here who entered at number 3. Max Meyer tries to gain some offence on Martial but the Frenchman is too quick and forces the German into the corner, meanwhile Rabiot is picking apart Tielemans who is still in agony on the canvas. It’s nearly time for number 18, it’s Dutch Destroyer Jaïro Riedewald who joins Rabiot in taking apart the prone Belgian. In the corner Max Meyer is propped up on the turnbuckle and in desperate danger, he’s managed to hook his feet into the ropes though and Martial can’t quite get him over the top. Next man is Riechedly Bazoer at number 19, a team mate of Riedewald, this could mean trouble for everybody else. Martial spots an opportunity and blindsides Rabiot, while Bazoer and Riedewald team up to eliminate the badly hurt Tielemans. The two Dutch boys now turn to Max Meyer and he has to use hit and run tactics to avoid a beat down from the bigger men, Rabiot is trying to fight back in the corner and rakes the eyes of Martial giving himself some time.
The buzzer sounds once more and number 20 is Adama Traoré, the Aston Villa youngster sprints down to the ring like the Ultimate Warrior, running the ropes delivering clotheslines to Rabiot, Bazoer and Meyer. What an entrance the crowd are going nuts, but wait, he’s pulled up injured. Adama is in real trouble here, think it’s a hamstring gone. Rabiot from behind takes advantage again and dumps the young Adama out. What a shame for the youngster, he was looking so sharp. Rabiot is really showing something here, might not be everyone’s cup of tea and his hair has seen better days, but what a showing so far. The next participant is Norwegian Wood Martin Ødegaard, he comes in with a big reputation but a lot of ring rust. Immediately he goes to the aid of Max Meyer as once again he is under onslaught from Riedewald and Bazoer. Rabiot and Martial continue their battle in the corner. Ødegaard misses with a flying kick and lands badly, leaving Meyer vulnerable and the two Dutchmen take full advantage by throwing the German over the ropes to the arena floor. They turn their attention to Norwegian Wood, but what’s this? A double cross, Riedewald attempts to throw Bazoer over the ropes, reversal and Riedewald is gone. What were they thinking? They had it all in their favour. We’re down to four men in the ring as number 22 is about to come out.
The buzzer goes, who is it? Oh my god? No, it can’t be… it’s the legend of all wonderkids, it’s Nii Lamptey!! The veteran wonderkid makes his way down the ramp to a standing ovation, jaws have dropped in the ring, Rabiot can’t believe it. From behind Martial, Martial has eliminated Rabiot who wasn’t paying attention. The Adonis is gone! Scenes here at the Wonderkid Rumble 2016 as we’re over two thirds of the way through. How would you describe the action Harry? “triffic”, thanks Harry, back to the action. Lamptey is going old school on Riechedly Bazoer, the crowd are loving it. Norwegian Wood has finally got some offence in on Martial, dodging, dipping, ducking, diving and dodging. He’s bringing his five rules of dodgeball to outwit the Frenchman before delivering his Nordic Hammer blows to the temple.
We’re already about to welcome number 23 to the action, it’s the Spaniard Héctor Bellerín. He immediately joins forces with Ødegaard as they try and eliminate the favourite Martial. Bazoer has turned the tide on Lamptey now and the legend is desperately trying to cover up as the Dutchman unleashes a flurry of attacks. Again the buzzer sounds and we’re set for number 24. It’s the Portuguese Man o' War, Rúben Neves, the youngster is a dark horse with fans for this rumble and he has a great chance here. Straight away the Man o’ War sneaks up behind Ødegaard and pushes the young Norwegian over the ropes, high fives with Anthony Martial then a big slap to the Frenchman’s face. What an impact from Rúben Neves. Lamptey is down in the corner and Bazoer changes target and charges towards Bellerín, but like a true bull fighter, with a shout of “Olé” he steps aside the charging Dutchman and momentum takes Bazoer over the ropes to the floor. With four men left in the ring the buzzer sounds once again, it’s number 25, it’s Ángel Correa. It’s fast paced action now as Correa and Bellerín are flying around the ring, in the corner Lamptey and Neves are teaming up on the exhausted Martial but he is fighting them off as they attempt to lever him over the top. Nearly a mistake by Bellerín there as he misses a flying tackle and lands on the ropes, manages to correct himself before Correa can take advantage. What are you making of the action so far Merse? “top top top top drawer”, really Merse? Where do you keep your dildo Merse? “top drawer”, thought so, thanks Merse, back to the in ring action... ahem... the Rumble I mean... not Merse’s dildo…
It’s number 26, not many left now, and its Dele Alli!! The great hope for English football is here, he goes straight for Bellerín as the North London derby boils over into the Rumble. Correa takes a breath then goes to work on the Portuguese Man o’ War Neves. Bellerín is in real trouble here as Alli makes the most of the Spaniards exhaustion. Alli shuffle, followed by left and rights and Bellerín hit’s the canvas. Nii Lamptey is still there but in a bad place, Martial has him half way over the ropes but the veteran Lamptey knows all the tricks and goes straight for the eyes. Buzzer time again and its number 27. Peoples favourite Gabriel ‘Gabigol’ Barbosa is on his way down, fantastic draw for the young Brazilian and he must be the favourite now, what do you reckon Harry? “when do I get paid?” nice one Harry, back to the action. Gabigol goes straight for Argentine Correa, and the little man didn’t even see it coming as he is tossed over the ropes. It looks like the Brazilian has formed a partnership with Rúben Neves and they go straight for the battling duo of Lamptey and Martial.
We’re into the final three entrants here as number 28, José Giménez makes his way slowly to the ring. He claims to be the dirtiest player in the game and looks set to prove it in the rumble. Low blow to Dele Alli, low blow to Gabigol and an eye rake to Rúben Neves, the Uruguayan is standing tall in the ring and picking off his opponents at will. Charging out of nowhere though is Anthony Martial! Martial law is still in this Rumble and has found a second wind. Lamptey, Neves and Gabigol are all recovering in the corner and Héctor Bellerín spots an opportunity to oust Alli, propping the Englishman against the ropes. Charging run from the Spaniard, but reversal, Dele Alli has eliminated the Arsenal man. Chants of “Alli, Alli, Alli” from the Spurs fans at ringside. Number 29 is about to make his way to the action.
Buzzer sounds and Gerson begins to walk down the ramp, but what’s this? Roy Hodgson is here? What is going on? An envelope has changed hands and Gerson has turned around, who is this coming through the curtain? It’s Andros Townsend!! The Dros! The Dros! The Dros is in the Rumble! But he’s not a wonderkid, what is he doing here? Oh I’m just being told that Roy Hodgson demands that Townsend is always involved even if he doesn’t deserve it. Ok Roy, whatever you say. Townsend goes straight for Dele Alli, unbelievable, the Tottenham Mega Powers explode! It’s Wrestlemania 5 all over again! Townsend backs Alli back into the corner, shines his forehead pushing his hairline even further backwards and delivers a crashing head-butt to the youngster. Merse is going ballistic here with me, thoughts Merse? “top top top top top top top top drawer! Top drawer!” Thanks Merse.
Lamptey is still in there with the youngsters and has started getting in some offence of his own on Gabigol, Rúben Neves comes to the Brazilians aid though and the veteran Lamptey is face down on the canvas once again. The final entrant is about to make his appearance as the buzzer sounds for the final time. Number 30 is Leon Goretzka, his name is Leon Goretzka and he’s gonna getcha. Merse’s pick for the Rumble has drawn number 30. What a chance for the German. One of these men will be crowned Wonderkid Royal Rumble winner 2016, Martial, Lamptey, Rúben Neves, Gabigol, Dele Alli, Giménez, Townsend or Goretzka, who’s it going to be?
Townsend is still all over Dele Alli, but from behind Giménez delivers another crashing low blow to the Dros and Alli flips Townsend high over the ropes onto the floor below. Hodgson is furious, his boy is out the Rumble, could mean the end of Dele Alli’s England career right there. Martial Law is in trouble again as Leon Goretzka has pin pointed the Frenchman as a target, but is blindsided by the pair of Neves and Gabigol and the German has been ousted already. So soon after entering, he’ll be fuming over that. Giménez has now started to dish out punishment to Alli, choking him with the bottom ropes and Martial is sat in the corner breathing heavy. This doesn’t look good for Nii Lamptey, his long stint in the Rumble looks at risk here as the pairing of Gabigol and Rúben Neves close in to finish him off. A spirited fight by Lamptey but the numbers game wins through and the veteran is sent tumbling to the floor below. We’re down to our final five.
Giménez turns his focus to Martial, and charges the Frenchman in the corner, a dropped shoulder see’s the end of the Uruguayan though. Martial turns to taunt his foe but is caught unawares by Neves and Gabigol and the big favourite is out of the Rumble!! Martial is out!! The team of Rúben Neves and Gabigol have really turned this Rumble around, now it’s just Dele Alli in front of them and the Englishman looks broken. They run Alli towards the ropes but the Englishman applies the breaks and Rúben Neves flies over to the floor, Gabigol holds on but Dele Alli hit’s a dropkick to the Brazilian and he too is eliminated. Dele Alli wins! Alli wins! Alli wins!! Dele Alli is the Wonderkid Royal Rumble Champion for 2016!! The crowd are chanting “Alli, bomaye! Alli, bomaye!” which is just inappropriate and weird.
Dele Alli celebrates in the ring, but who’s this jumping out from the crowd, it’s a suited John Terry!! Unbelievable stuff here as it appears Terry has a Dele Alli shirt on under his suit and is now celebrating in the ring as if he won the Rumble himself. John Terry has gone full ‘Hulk Hogan’ here and is cupping his ear for the fans, Dele Alli looks on bemused but will go down in history as the 2016 Wonderkid Royal Rumble Champion!!
So Harry what did you make of the Rumble match? “triffic, bloody triffic, that kid Alli I nearly signed him you know.” Thanks Harry, and Merse, how would you rate the match? “top, top top, top, top, top, top top, to…” ok I have to stop you there Merse, but thanks for joining me.
That was the 2016 Wonderkid Royal Rumble, sponsored by FanFormation.com, hope you had a great time. We have a great winner, 29 disappointed opponents and a random twat in John Terry soaking up all the attention. For Harry, Merse and myself, I say thanks for joining us and we hope to see you again next time.