by Darren Hound - 26th March 2016
I may not have liked his performance in A.I. but Harry Kane has gone on to be quite the striker
Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside. Are those even the right words? Well who cares they’re the words I sing in my car, that and Madonna’s classic “Poppadom Pea”. It’s that time of the week again, Saturday for those who have lost all track of time, it’s Easter weekend and I’m here to give you my views on the footballing week. You may have noticed today that I have my own special tab on the FanFormation menu, where you can find everything I’ve written so far. So if you’re desperate to find out what my thoughts were on January, now you can find them. If you’re some kind of Neanderthal though and are unable to work a tab, click here to go to said place.
It’s been a rather tragic week hasn’t it, we lost a legend of the game in Johann Cruyff, and there were the terrible scenes in Belgium with the terror attack. That kind of thing dismays me, why do we all keep continuing to kill each other. Use your brains people, we’re better than this surely? What kind of civilisation have we become, a bunch of bloody idiots that’s what. It’s not about skin colour, religion or who has the biggest dad, it’s a bunch of idiots killing each other. As Ned Flanders would say, “Mur-diddly-urderers”. Let’s try and up the mood though, keep it light and all that.
It’s International football again isn’t it, and everybody’s heart sinks a little bit more. I don’t know if it’s just me, but this International break seems even worse than usual. There has been a complete lack of coverage on the games, I don’t really know who’s playing who or when. My TV planner is telling me England are playing Germany later, which came as a surprise. Why aren’t there more games on to watch, League 2 just doesn’t get my juices flowing and I’ve been stuck watching cricket, bloody cricket!! It’s on at the moment and England are playing for a place in the semi’s, speaking of semi’s I booked my hotels for my trip to Thailand in the last few days, I have a Jacuzzi in the bedroom. Not only is that as romantic as fuck, but will also be handy if I run out of toilet paper. I joke of course, you should never use the jets on a Jacuzzi to clean your arse, or any other part of your body. Now I’m thinking about Jet from Gladiators again, I may not be playing for England right now but I’m on the verge of losing my semi.
Let’s head back to the land of club football and talk the Manchester derby last weekend. I was shocked when United won that one, young Rashford is having quite the spell isn’t he. It’s amazing just how disinterested Manchester City look these days, I know they have a new boss coming but Pep Guardiola is not going to be impressed if they mess up and leave him in the Europa League next year. It would be hilarious of course, in fact the more I think about it the more I want it to happen. Just imagine both Chelsea and City failing to qualify for the Champions League… talk about pleasure overload, just think about the glory hunter fans, where would they turn to next? Leicester? Oh it was also announced that Leicester City will be playing Barcelona in a summer friendly, that could be like a snuff video.
I decided to rewatch a movie that I originally hated this week to see if my thoughts had changed over time, but if anything it just made me hate it even more. It was that A.I. film by Spielberg, it’s just so slow and miserable. I know it’s meant to be slightly dark, but I had no connection with the characters at all, if anything I wanted them to go back to the Flesh Fair and fire that kid robot out of the cannon. What a horrid little creature he was, but I should be thankful I guess. That little boy went on to be Harry Kane and he’s leading Spurs to glory. It had Jude Law in it, and it makes me think, where is Jude Law? Does anyone really care?
Formula One racing returned last weekend, but to me it’s just not the same. I’m just not a Lewis Hamilton, he comes across as an arrogant moany git, give me Jenson Button any day. Not like that… I don’t want him as a lover or anything, maybe go for a beer or something but not in a sexual way. Anyway let’s change the subject, this week I grew a beard, I believed it was fantastic but in the end I was forced to remove it from my features. There was an incident with a Cornetto that resulted in it being full of ice cream, chocolate and crumbs… which sounds fantastic but in reality was not good. Beards seem to be back in fashion these days, more and more footballers sport cracking beards and over in the Wrestling you get some fantastic ones.
We are only a week away from Wrestlemania and still it looks set to be one of the worst of all time, although there are rumours that Kurt freaking Angle is coming back. Please let it be so, I remember him shouting at Randy Orton “Tap you son of a bitch or I’ll break your fucking ankle”, that’s what Wrestling really misses. My favourite Mania is still X7, not only was it right in the prime of the Attitude era with Rock and Austin, but you had a William Regal masterclass and Tugjob was in the Gimmick Battle Royal. What a show, you’ll struggle to buy that on DVD though because Benoit is in it, shame really.
So that’ll have to be all for this week, the problem with International breaks is there is very little football to talk about. Our only real news was sadly about Cruyff and that just isn’t a good thing. We’ll see how England get on tonight against Ze Germans and go from there. Enjoy your Easter weekend, eat as much as you can handle and if you see any giant rabbits out there, chase them out of town with a pitchfork, take it easy people.