by Darren Hound - 19th March 2016
Louis van Gaal - part Andy Dufresne, part anger, part breaded chicken and part ball bag skin
Having survived the ordeal of weekend shopping at Asda, I’m back with my review of the footballing week, well the week in general anyway. I need to have a little rant here to begin with, why do people go to supermarkets to stand and chat in the aisles? Just get in, get what you want and get out again, there should be no need for conversation. It’s always the same, if you see somebody and want to chat about the last million years of evolution, grab their number and give them a call, do not stand in the middle of a supermarket laughing and flailing your arms around like you’re fresh from a car dealers’ forecourt. It’s all so fake and covered in bullshit, “oh hiya, how are you, buying eggs? Oh my god that’s so exciting”. Fuck off, get to fuckery, just buy what you need then leave. Another issue I have with supermarkets, I’m the trolley pusher, and there are times when as a trolley pusher you are required to wait for the goods, now it does not matter where you wait someone will try and move you. I will stand right out of the way and without doubt somebody will all of a sudden be desperate to see what is right behind me. I could be stood in front of toxic waste and there will still be a little old lady tutting me as I’m in her way. Just one of the typical annoyances that always happens, just like when you put your reverse lights on in your car and within seconds some dildo will walk directly behind you. Yeah it’s been a frustrating day so far it really has, added to with Arsenal beating Everton, I was really hoping for a home win there to put them further behind Spurs, one of those days… Something in the supermarket did cheer me up though, they were playing Holly Valance on the radio. Reminded me of a girl I used to work with who spent every minute of the day singing that ‘Kiss Kiss’ song and she genuinely thought she looked like Valance, in reality she was closer to King Kong Bundy. Imagine Bundy in a wig singing ‘Kiss Kiss’, she had a weird fascination with Teddy Sheringham too, literally followed him around at weekends to places he went hoping to catch his eye. Pretty weird stuff right there.
Anyway, that first paragraph went on a bit didn’t it, so let’s get cracking with the week’s news. Well we now have our FA Cup semi-finalists and neither Chelsea or Arsenal are involved after pretty terrible results. It’s been a poor season for Arsenal but I don’t think Chelski are getting anywhere near the level of critique that they deserve. Champions to mid table nothings, it’s like Blackburn Rovers all over again. They dropped more points again today against West Ham and look like they won’t even have Europa League football next season, new coach and a squad full of unhappy players on huge contracts, enjoy that Roman, buy your way out of that pickle, I’m sure you will.
Congratulations to PSG this week as they wrapped up the Ligue 1 title, they absolutely dominated French football this year, hopefully next season it gets a little more competitive. Even Bayern have closer title rivals than PSG this season. Speaking of Bayern, what a game they were involved in this week, coming back from the brink to beat Juventus in the Champions League, sign of a big time club that. Hopefully Spurs can keep going this season and go toe to toe with the likes of Bayern next season, I know they are much better than our boys but it’s like Ric Flair always says, “to be the man you got to beat the man”, so bring on Barcelona and Bayern next year. Now that wrestling reference has reminded me that we’re only a couple of weeks away from Wrestlemania. Wrestle-bloody-mania baby yeah!! Sadly, I am not as enthused as I should be, there are no matches on the card that have me excited just yet. I miss the old days, bring back Tugboat and the Mountie, I’d even settle for a Repo-Man against Rick Martel. Speaking of old days, are Cheeto’s still a thing? You know the highly cheesed snack? I see Tangy Toms and Quarterbacks about sometimes but never Cheeto’s, maybe they were full of bad stuff and taken off shelves, who know… well I’m sure google could tell me but I’ll leave it as mysterious.
Speaking of bad stuff on shelves, fuck Jamie Oliver, the big flappy lipped twat. He’s sat in his expensive house whacking himself off because soft drink will be taxed heavily going forward, nice isn’t it for that rich opinionated fuckwad, let people enjoy their own lives and stop getting involved. Ooh people are having too much sugar, kids are too fat, burgers are bad, boo fucking hoo. Fuck off Jamie Oliver. He genuinely gets under my skin, he’s just a tv chef, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t take swimming tips from Michael Barrymore so I’m not taking food tips from Herr Oliver. Let’s lighten the mood a little, you know in the Matrix film, do you find it weird that agents can dodge bullets with such speed, yet still run at normal speed? Surely they should run faster than bullets to? And why dodge bullets anyway? Why not just turn them to mallow or make your skin bulletproof? Serious flaws in that movie, well the original was pretty good, the sequels were dogshit, apart from Monica Bellucci. Ahh Monica Bellucci, she should be in all films.
On the subject of running at speed and not making any sense, Theo Walcott is somehow in the England squad again. What has he done to earn that? I saw a tweet that summed him up entirely, in the time since he left Southampton all he’s added is a new beard. 27 now that lad, he’s peaked, this is Walcott in his final form and it’s underwhelming. Take away his pace and I doubt he’d even be playing in the lower leagues; he has nothing else in his locker. He also closes his eyes when shooting, I don’t even do that. All the squads are starting to take shape ahead of the Euro’s now, was really nice to see Sergi Roberto get a call up for Spain this week, totally deserved that was. Wayne Rooney misses out on the international fixtures this week with an injury, he did make headlines though by tweeting ‘Happy St Patricks Day’ with a flag of the Ivory Coast, good hustle Wayne. Now I know he has Irish links, and this isn’t a potato joke, but I’m not completely happy with the England captain celebrating another Countries national day. Will he also celebrate on St Georges day? Actually it’s always funny (well sad too) to see how that gets ignored, and all other national days too, but not the Irish one. Because the Irish one is seen as an opportunity to get drunk, which is kind of racist when you think about it.
And this brings me perfectly onto my next point, we’re going to talk the Cricket World T20 tournament. Firstly, brilliant result for England against South Africa and setting a new record on doing so, but I do have an issue. Our captain is Eoin Morgan, a proud Irishman who has represented the boys in green before he moved onto England, no issue there at all, many nationalities represent different nations in cricket. My issue is the captaincy, before the game the anthems played and our captain was unable to sing along with his team, because he’s not English. The captain should be the loudest and proudest when anthems are sung, call me old fashioned but that’s what I think. The game was played in the Wank Head stadium, what a bloody name that is, I think I even prefer that to Tokyo Sex Whale.
So back to football, where are we in Europe now? Chelsea and Arsenal are out of the Champions League and the Manchester plastics have been drawn again their French equivalents. In the Europa the mighty Spurs were dumped out by Dortmund, the king of the Neville’s saw his Valencia team taken out by Bilbao and Louis van Gaal failed yet again with Manchester United. Conquerors Liverpool go on to play against Klopp’s old Dortmund side in what should be a decent game, won’t be on television though because football hates fans these days. Now we head into Super Sunday that includes Newcastle vs Sunderland, PSV vs Ajax and the Manchester derby, fantastic stuff. If United lose that then that’s their top four hopes done and dusted and surely van Gaal’s career with it. You know who van Gaal reminds me of, Andy Dufresne from Shawshank, but an older version. Actually take Dufresne, cover his face in breaded chicken, add an angry expression and some extra ball bag skin around the neck and you have Louis van Gaal.
So there we go, apologies this week, I’ve barely mentioned football again, and I have had a little bit of a moan. Next week is Easter weekend though so I’ll be happier, covered in chocolate and full of optimism. Have a great week people, see you in Strasbourg.