by Darren Hound - 12th March 2016
Out of the T20 World Cup, the wildlings now prepare to retreat back north of the wall.
“Oh you didn’t know… your ass better call somebody!!!” It’s not the Road Dogg Jesse James, it’s not even the Bad Ass Billy Gunn, it’s me Daz Hound and I’m back with my review of the footballing week [insert dramatic 80’s movie style music here]. Now last week I begged for a talking point, someone to lose their heads and have a meltdown, so many thanks go to Alan Pardew. He had a glorious ‘Big Ron’ moment in his post-match interview, no not that Big Ron moment, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. I won’t lie, I can’t stand the man, not only does he look like the kind of guy who steals your 9 iron then fucks your wife, but his recent transgressions are hardly Gandhi-esque. Calling Pellegrini a “fucking old c**t”, head-butting an opposition player and having a name that’s an anagram of “Warped Anal”, he’s not my cup of tea. So thanks Alan, you big silver haired dingus, your little meltdown cheered me right up.
Now I have something to get off my chest, apart from the monster munch crumbs (never eat them in bed people, it sounds great but ends in a big beefy mess, and I don’t mean you take a winky selfie and post it on twitter. Ian Botham you massive idiot.) I have a serious point to make on this whole Adam Johnson peado story, yes he was a disgrace and all that and should be rightly charged, but I think there’s a huge difference between a 15-year-old girl desperate for a footballer’s attention and the kind of shit that Saville and Glitter got up to. The media have acted like an angry mob as always and it’s not right. He’s wrong, they’re wrong, everything is wrong and it stinks. One paper had a huge headline ‘Peado in his speedos’, original banter that, yet this same paper was printing a daily countdown to when Charlotte Church was approaching her 16th birthday and legal age, disgusting bunch of cretins. Speaking of that mob, I used to enjoy watching the Sunday Supplement to hear the journo’s views, but now they just sit around a table and verbally wank each other off. I wonder if anyone has ever tallied up their ‘exclusives’ and big stories every year, how much of what they write is actually fact? Hardly any I’d say, I can make up bullshit too, Cavani is off to Chelsea, Cocu fancies the Arsenal job, Jack Wilshere is actually a hernia that escaped his host and gained sentience. See it’s not hard, and these fuck nuggets get paid a fortune and talk like they are bigger than the sport itself. That was a little rant and I apologise, let’s discuss something a little lighter.
Cricket World Cup T20 is on… and Scotland are already out, is there any sport that the wildlings are any good at? Chucking bits of wood about maybe, or that ice skating broomstick bollocks. I watched a few of the games, Ireland are also out and lost to Oman. I’m pretty sure it was the first time Oman had seen a cricket pitch too, bit of a shambles from the big eared boys in green. Not surprising though, few of the fellas look like they’ve come straight from the darts, surely general fitness as a sportsman (or woman – thanks Reg) should be a basic? Right lads, we got a cricket World Cup in a very hot climate ahead of us, time to get training, so who wants extra chips? I wonder how many people got that Monty Python reference a moment ago… Oh other sporting news that I’ll mention, some tennis lass was busted for some drug and its big news, Sharapova you are nice and all but I have such limited interest in this story that you are wedged on the end of cricket news.
We had some Champions League, and Europa, football this week and it was pretty huge. Chelsea crashed out, and will now (unless some form of miracle happens) be without Champions League football next season. A glorious collapse from being Champions, and a big test of whether or not Russian Roman can really be bothered with it all. It’s always nice to see John Terry’s sad face looking on and this week didn’t disappoint, rumours are that Conte is coming in next year to manage the team. I expect his replacement before Christmas 2016, what a bunch of Conte’s. The mighty Spurs, ahem, bravely lost 3 zip in Dortmund, and Manchester United proved to a be a little bit shitter than Liverpool in the Europa. Next week will be entertaining, Arsenal go off to Camp Nou, there will be blood. At least the sky blue plastics will progress so our UEFA coefficient should be ok, imagine next year though if our Champions league teams are Leicester, Spurs, Arsenal and West Ham. Would any of them be fancied to make the last 8? Not on your nelly. The ‘best league in the World’ could be down to three slots very soon, maybe not such a bad thing.
Disturbing news, I caught a bit of the Hulk Hogan sex tape trial. Terry Bollea, in court and under oath, claimed that his penis is not very big, but Hulk Hogan’s is 10 inches long. Then went on to argue that claim, in fucking court! He actually thinks that he is two different people and one of them has a giant penis, this was under oath, in court, on television. What the actual fuck? Now when I were a nipper I was never a huge Hulkamaniac, I liked Tugjob (Tugboat) and the Rockers, but I always considered the Hulkster a ‘good guy’, now when you rewatch those shows it’s obvious what a massive bell end the guy is. Who argues in court over the size of his own penis? Who films a Hulk Hogan sex tape in the first place? Jesus is there any real need for it, for the record I have not and will not be viewing or reviewing said sex tape. However, I did catch a bit of Sunny’s one, you know the super-hot 90’s diva Sunny, hugely disappointing. Don’t tarnish your memories of the girl, it just left me feeling bad for her and that’s not the purpose. Time has not been kind, neither have the drugs and additional extras. Poor girl. Speaking of naked women, which is always a great line to start a sentence, that Kardashian thing tried to ‘break the internet’ with a naked selfie again. I just don’t get it, I still don’t know who she is, or what she does, or why she is news. Give me a Whoopi Goldberg naked selfie then yes, that is newsworthy, but some random girl taking one, well you can get a million of those online and none have broken the internet thus far. Ego out of control that girl.
Back to football for a bit? Alrighty then, and we head off to Newcastle where Rafa has taken over Mike Ashley’s northern project. I actually have sympathy for Schteve McClaren, why leave the guy hanging for three days when everyone knew he was getting the sack. It showed zero class from the club but maybe that’s to be expected, nice of Rafa to insert his ‘get out’ clause if they get relegated, shows real faith in his ability and desire to take the club forward. I foresee a very short stay for the Spaniard, how can any club with Jack Colback in the midfield really win football games? Speaking of relegation woes, caught an interview with Remi Garde this week, he just looks so miserable, he reminds me of the guy from Red Dragon. His team talks are probably him stood bollock naked in front of a slide show, “this is how you defended, do you see? This is me changing tactics, do you see? This is us getting relegated, do you see now?” Maybe I’ve made him more interesting than he actually is…
Anyway, it’s that time again where I’d better end this thing, we’ve talked about football this week which is a bonus, have a great week people, take it easy.