by Darren Hound - 27th February 2016
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Witness me!! Witness me!! Guess who’s been watching Mad Max? Yep, and so have I, what a movie that is. Oh what a day! What a lovely day! That film has everything, flames, guns, car chases, big rigs, Aussie accents, Nathan fucking Jones of wrestling fame and a lot of half-naked men. Brilliant… oh hang on, scrap that last one… speaking of wrestling, as I often do, Shane O’Mac is back baby, oh yes. Little shuffle dance, here comes the money, it’s all there, he’s back to save wrestling and let’s be honest it does needs some bloody saving.
We have a new leader in the World of football, no more Blatter, we have upgraded our software to the Gianni Infantino edition. I am slightly sceptical, he wants a 40 team World Cup, it’s an unworkable number straight off the bat and means we’ll be lumbered with more tosh in the tournament finals. So good news for Scottish fans, no hang on they couldn’t even qualify for an expanded Euro 2016. Maybe Infantino can include 80 teams and then you’ll have a shot. Slightly gutted that the Tokyo Sex Whale pulled out of the running, maybe he has bigger plans ahead, like fighting Godzilla or battling it out with Moby Dick in a ‘whale off’.
Today the Madrid derby occurred and Atletico got the big victory, so Zidane’s Madrid side are pretty much out of the title race. Piss poor really, with all the players they have and the money they spend you’d expect a little better. I know Atletico are good and hard grafters, but Madrid have looked awful for a while now, coinciding with Ronaldo possibly going on the down slope of his career. Interesting lines coming out of Cristiano’s corner post-match, “if everyone was at my level then we’d be leaders”, basically telling his entire team that he is better than them. Erm, fuck off Cristiano, you’ve been hit and miss all season and this is Real Madrid you’re addressing, and he wonders why neutrals prefer Lionel Messi. What a berk.
The mighty Tottenham made a brilliant tactical decision to drop out of the FA Cup, no honestly we did, to focus on the Premiership and Europa League, and then Arsenal did likewise by choosing to drop out of the Champions League. In all seriousness though the Champions League performances by all our clubs show our league in it’s true light. Even Arsenal, our bookies favourites this year for the title, just could not compete with Spain’s champions. All our sides are petrified of Europe’s big boys, we are meant to have the ‘best league in the world’, but we’re awful. It’s an issue that needs looking at, next year we’ll have all these great coaches in the division, most money spent, highest ticket prices, top tv revenue, but a league full of piss poor players. Going back to the Europa League though, that tournament is really looking tasty going into the last 16, Spurs have Dortmund, Bilbao take on Valencia and we get Liverpool against Manchester United. Fantastic games to watch… ah… that’s a problem, no fucker in England will be watching those games because of BT Sport. It’ll be so nice when they are gone, European football should be available for everyone, that was their big motto when they began but in reality, nobody gets to see it unless you pay through your arse. Brilliant, football for the fans as always.
Sorry that was a little bit of a rant there wasn’t it, I apologise, let’s change the subject. I watched a rather disturbing episode of Peppa Pig this week, yes I know it’s for kids but what else am I to watch? People arguing over storage lockers? Jeez give me a break, so yeah I was watching that pig family. Now they met the Queen in this episode, the Queen was not an animal, I repeat the Queen was not an animal, she was a human Queen presumably meant to be dear old Liz. My issue with this, apart from her ability to talk to this family of pigs, and her failure to have adequate security measures to prevent her fraternisation with such dubious characters, was that the Queen was the same size as the pigs. This is not realistic. I have not had the privilege of meeting the Queen, I have met and pissed next to Price William (at a urinal, not in a dirty protest) and he was adult sized in every way. So I’m quietly confident that the Queen is not the size of a pig. Now this means either the cartoon is lying to people, or they are saying that Peppa Pig and her family are the size of people which is terrifying. Imagine a man sized pig lumbering towards you on a dark night, what if he’d been drinking, what if you’re in the woods, what if you hear a banjo in the distance… Deliverance baby, deliverance. My god, so for that reason I will never laugh at Peppa and her puddle splashing family antics again, they may look innocent enough, but they are capable of fucking you in the woods and that shit ain’t right.
Ahem… shall I go back to football again, blimey night terrors for me tonight. Manchester United managed back to back wins this week, overturning the FC Midtjylland deficit in the Europa League and beating the mighty Shrewsbury in the FA Cup. Tomorrow against Arsenal should be fun, I’m expecting a battering and van Gaal’s departure shortly afterwards. Speaking of the Dutchies, watching Ajax last weekend was actually enjoyable, mostly because Arek Milik was on dazzling form with two wonder goals. Big future for him that kid, could go on to be the greatest Pole since that guy in the Pianist. Another classic film that, slightly darker theme than Mad Max of course, and based a little more on reality but a great film. My only issue is that I can’t stand the actor, he just has that face, he was the worst thing about the King Kong movie and that is saying something. Hang on I need to look up his name, Adrien Brody that’s the one, yuck typing that in google just brought up a load of images of his face. That’s yet more night terrors for me, I can see it now, Adrien Brody playing a banjo while I’m being molested by Daddy Pig. Dark days this people, dark days indeed.
The Copa America groups were drawn as well this week, now I’m hoping that the games will be on tv here, and accessible to me, there’s so many players I want to watch. I’m even looking forward to the Olympic football this year, in Brazil that will be amazing, I expect the Olympics in general to be a disaster but the football tournament will be good. Apparently no Messi though, kind of why I want to watch the Copa America this year, Messi will be on fire for that thing. All in all, really it’s been a pretty quiet footballing week hasn’t it, FIFA elections were the big news but that’s hardly riveting discussion. Here’s hoping to more excitement in the days ahead, we have many games between now and then and lots to potentially pick holes in. I’m off to watch my Mick Foley dvd and eat my own body weight in custard creams, take it easy people.