by Darren Hound - 20th February 2016
Who Dellally? Who Dellally?
I know where it’s at, (if you want to have a good time), I know where it’s at. Yes, I’m back and I’ve been listening to the All Saints again, quite possibly my favourite all girl pop group, although B*witched offer strong competition. The Irish girls didn’t quite offer the same kind of ‘sexy’ though did they, whereas that Mel sort in All Saints, well she’s still in my top 10 all these years later. It’s FA Cup weekend, as I write this the BBC live game is about to begin, Harry Redknapp is on dressed like a damaged penguin, it’s all very exciting. Getting down to the interesting rounds in the cup now, but let’s go back and look at the rest of the week.
King of the Neville Siblings and now La Liga hero, Gary Neville got his first league win in Spain. Bloody delighted for him I was, it was scrappy, unpretty and covered in luck, but his boys got the job done. Then they went and followed it up in the Europa League by smashing six past the less than Rapid Vienna. Sorry about that, there have been so many awful ‘rapid’ jokes since Thursday and you can add that to the pile. Rubbish from me, pure unfiltered rubbish. But going back to La Liga, Barcelona put on a ridiculous display last weekend against Celta Vigo, including ‘that’ penalty. That team are capable of anything they really are, I was gutted that the Arsenal game wasn’t just after it, oh well that’ll be fun for next time. Bring tissues, it’s going to get Messi… yeah I really am sorry, that’s two god awful puns in a row, I should work for the red top papers. BANG! NEWS! TITS! PUNS! YES!
A little off topic but I saw a South African cricket chap sporting the look yesterday, a beard with no moustache. Just no. I enjoy a beard as long as it covers the tash area, I even enjoy a moustache as long as it’s distinguished, but you cannot look good with a beard and no moustache. Looks like a massive face vagina, you cannot trust anybody with that look. Sort of person you’d expect to be in a Scooby Doo episode, “Yikes it’s the Vag Faced Monster!! Oh no that one’s just John Terry, but the real monster is under his rubber mask”. Chelsea lost in the Champions League didn’t they, to PSG, I wonder why Chelsea fans hate PSG so much. They are a capital based club, playing in blue, bankrolled as a plaything for some billionaire with more money than sense, why do they hate PSG? I jest Chelsea fans… I jest… they are both clubs without soul.
Super Sunday last week was actually super, three games and plenty of goals. Arsenal began by winning the World Cup against 10 man Leicester at home, the celebrations are still going, the statues are being readied, it was quite frankly the greatest sporting achievement of all time. People all around the World will remember when ‘Danny did it’, and they toppled the footballing giants of Leicester… all ten of them… at home… Then we had the gift that keeps on giving, Aston Villa, as they were spanked by Liverpool. You have to love Joleon Lescott, the forehead to rival Andros Townsend, gets smashed at home, turns in a dreadful performance, tweets about an expensive car without shame or pride, then blames it on his phone being in his pocket. Brilliant from you Joleon, to be fair it did look like a very nice car, wonder how quickly he’ll be driving out of Birmingham, could be torch and pitchfork stuff from the locals, and after they have their City Council meeting they’ll chase Lescott.
Then we had the main event, the mighty Spurs winning away at Manchester City, they’re going to bloody do it aren’t they. The game was ruined slightly by Niall Quinn, ex Arsenal and Manchester City striker commentating on Manchester City and Spurs, great choice Sky Sports, good hustle. The guy is not the best, big lanky goofball, he couldn’t even get the names right, who is “Dellally”? He’s the guy in the goggles Quinny, the guy who’s taking Spurs to the title. So what I’m biased? I wear my cock on my shirt with pride. Not sure what’s going on in Manchester though, City are falling away and yet again United have turned into a right dog’s dinner. Losing in the arse end of nowhere to a bunch of no hopers, then they go and lose to FC Midtjylland too. But seriously van Gaal surely has to go now, he’s made his team unwatchable, just ask Nick Powell. Question marks have to be raised about his professionalism, on loan from United, hoping to return and fight for his place at Old Trafford, forgets they are playing in Europe and plays video games instead. Brilliant performance, together with Lescott they are showing English footballers in a terrific light.
The big news this week though, even bigger than Lavezzi going to China (still no call to me from Beijing by the way), was poor Kanye West. His album sales are down, he’s somehow in debt despite all he has, and he’s begging the founder of Facebook for money… on Twitter. Pillock is an apt word isn’t it. Cheeks like a hamster, he can literally stuff it all in, if you’re shy of cash Kanye get into that gay porn industry, that’ll be right up your alley. Right up your alley indeed. What does his missus do, I know she’s a ‘Kardashian’, but what is one of them? Were they a pop group I missed? I asked someone once why they were famous, the reply was “because they are Kardashians”, doesn’t really cover my question does it. Are we talking model fame? Music fame? Sex tape fame? I assume it’s the latter. Sounds like the nickname for a young Northern car thief doesn’t it, “who’s the suspect Sarge?”, “it was that bloody ‘Car Dash Ian’ again”. Car dash Ian anyone? No? Just me? Well fuck you all.
Joël Matip is coming to Liverpool, one of my favourite players to be on video games. I deploy him purely on a ‘none shall pass’ basis, my destroyer, my hatchet. He breaks down play and takes your strikers legs with it, he is Matip. But in reality he’s actually quite the cultured chap, will be a disaster in England though I reckon, it’s all a bit too beefy for him. Stick to being in my video games, you’re a beast there. Speaking of beasts, Wayne Rooney is injured for six weeks, well that’s how long they reckon it’ll take to grow another suitable potato to wear his football kit. He’s going to the Euro’s though, he’ll play every minute, no matter how shite he does or how many better options we have. Roy loves his potatoes and Wazza remains King of the Spuds.
Some rather sad news today about Paul Daniels not being well, poor chap, for those that don’t know he’s like a ‘less street’ Dynamo. Hopefully they honour his career and bring back Wizbit, I used to love that show, but it’s amazing how fucking scary Wizbit looks now in hindsight. It’s no wonder I had so many sleepless nights. Imagine Iain Dowie’s face spread over a triangle of cheese, that was Wizbit. Ha ha this a way, ha ha that a way, ha ha this a way, my oh my. Well anyway, on that rather sombre note I’ll end for the week, actually no, let’s brighten the mood with a classic Wrestling line.
“and that’s why I kicked your leg out from under your leg” Good job Owen Hart, bloody legend that lad.
Anyway people, thanks for reading, enjoy your week, take it easy.