by Darren Hound - 13th February 2016
Wimmer Wimmer Chicken Dinner
Well the weather has turned bitter, the north has been getting battered by snow, I’m fully expecting white walkers to appear at any moment. I wonder if the Scottish are offended by Game of Thrones in any way, to keep the frozen north and the ‘wildlings’ and monsters out, they built a big fuck off wall… sounds familiar. Speaking of being frozen, there was an ice cream truck doing the rounds this week, who the hell is running outside for an ice cream in this weather? Saying that though I do fancy a cheeky choc ice.
Valentine’s day tomorrow, as a romantic treat for the missus I was planning a Jurassic park marathon, what more could a girl want? Flowers, chocolates, a nice meal? No way, big scary dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum’s chest hair. Some good football on view tomorrow though, my Spurs boys are off to City, tell you what if we win up there we are bang in this title race. The bookies scoffed this week, calling us dreamers yet still only offer 9/4. Give us 150/1 then you can call us dreamers, Dele Alli is going to get the job done, and we have Wimmer Wimmer Chicken Dinner at the back. Going back to the missus, found out this week that when she first watched Titanic she didn’t realise it was going to sink, would probably make the film more interesting. I do have serious issues with that movie though, not just Celine Dion’s never ending neck. That bit of wood at the end was clearly big enough for two people, but oh no Rose just lets Jack die, great, brilliant that Rose, you just go on to ride a horse and get married and let the lad perish. Then at the end she throws that expensive necklace in the bloody ocean, that could have funded her grandchildren’s education, selfish that girl, proper selfish, should have let her jump.
Let’s talk football, poor old Gary Neville still can’t win a game, got Espanyol tonight though so surely he’ll break his duck. At least Spain is relatively interesting, much better than Germany and France, the titles are already a sure thing for Bayern and PSG. Serie A looks a little more open this year, Juve or Napoli, still not great, in fact if it wasn’t for a very bizarre Premier League this would be a really tedious season for football. Speaking of which I watched Ajax again last week, playing Feyenoord without a recognised striker, great stuff from de Boer. I know they won but come on, it’s bloody Ajax and they have a quality squad, it should at least be entertaining. Dutch coaches seem to have gone that way a bit, van Gaal, de Boer, Hiddink, Blind, it’s all really drab. Koeman and Cocu are our last hope for total football, no shock that they both played at Barca. I can still never forgive Koeman though, he tripped Platty through on goal, should have been penalty and a red card, we should have been at USA 94. Fuck you Ronald, fuck you and your giant smiley face.
So what else has been happening in football, well it has been pretty quiet hasn’t it, there’s Adam Johnson I guess but we’re not even touching that subject. Ah good old Marcus Bent, now that was a story, ‘cocaine fuelled meat cleaver attack’, what a headline, sounds like young Marcus had been playing too much GTA. Speaking of drugs, I was at a festival once, got talking to a young lad and he told me how shocked he was to see someone at the festival ‘doing’ drugs. Ha, what was he expecting? I know they are a lot more than that but come on, everyone knows that drugs are being taken surely. Remember when Spliffy Jackets were a thing? They were all the rage at school, bizarre really that parents bought their young kids a coat with ‘spliffy’ on, I never owned one, just wasn’t cool enough I guess. I always wanted one of those big jackets with the German flag on the arm, sort of thought wearing one of those would make me look like a Luftwaffe ace.
Oh yes nearly forgot to mention the Superbowl… that’ll do, it’s been mentioned. It’s not super, it’s not a bowl, it’s chucking an egg and taking an ad break, nothing more nothing less. I can’t pretend to like or understand it, same as rugby, I like my balls to be round, the clue is in the word ‘ball’. Instead of watching that old crap I was checking out hippo farts on YouTube, I’d highly recommend it, it’s a real life changer. No egg chucking, no half time show, no bullshit hype, just a hippo farting. Glorious. Ahh, as it’s on right now it’s just reminded me. Diego Costa now dons a face mask, so he looks like a super villain, “Diego Costa is ‘Bastard Man’, hell bent on destroying children’s hopes and dreams”. He loves being a bastard that fella, even more so than Jon Snow. We’re almost ready for Season 6 of Game of Thrones now, excitement is building, it’s like that moment when Willy is about to jump the rocks. Fucking hell… now I have that vision of the little toe rag kid shouting “yeeah” in slow motion as the whale goes over his head, damn him… if ever a kid needed crushing by an orcas mistimed leap…
Speaking of water based nonsense, I found myself watching Bubble Guppies this week, yeah so what why you gotta judge? The show is horse manure, completely unrealistic, they went to the frigging moon. Now for those unaware, Bubble Guppies are child mermaid things, who are taught lessons by a giant fish, it’s loosely based on true events I think. Now they are mermaid things, so how did they get to the moon? Not only do they have the problem of surviving out of water, but then they need to build a craft able to travel from the ocean to space, and they need to be able to survive in a place of no gravity. They need water to survive so how did they manage that? It’s rubbish, now in my day we had Optimus Prime which was much more realistic, this Bubble Guppie stuff is just nonsense.
Well anyway that’s me done for the week, been a short one for which I apologise, going to watch the rest of Chelski, then see if the leader of the Neville’s can get a win. May even put on Trollhunter later, now that is a hell of a movie, it’s basically hand held footage of Norwegian kids running away from Wayne Rooney, terrifying. Hope you all enjoy European football coming back to… actually it doesn’t come back to our screens because BT are a joke, but enjoy the highlights show I guess. Don’t do anything too fancy for Valentines, you’ll only have to do more next year and remember the immortal words of WWF wrestler the Mountie, “you can try to run, but you can never hide, the Mountie, always gets his man”. Advice we can all appreciate. Take it easy people.