by Darren Hound - 6th February 2016
Everyone is disappearing to China, even the most average of people, hello Jo, but I’m sad to report that my little blog has not been picked up by those money men in the east just yet. Show me the money China, show me the bloody money. So who has jumped ship lately for the big bucks? Jo, Burak, Jackson Martinez, Guarin, Gervinho, Teixeira… have I missed anyone else, it baffles me that, how the hell has Adebayor not gone the same way. Speaking of China, anyone remember the female wrestler Chyna? Well we’ll go on record as calling her female… without suffering through her sex tape there will always be doubts in my mind. It’s frightening that isn’t it, Chyna made a sex tape, with all people bloody X-Pac, or 1-2-3 Kid depending on your era, now there’s a guy that looks like he smells of pickled onions at the best of times. Him and Chyna, doing the do, fuck that, I’d rather watch the videotape from the Ring. “You’ve seen Chyna and X-Pac have naked sex, you will die in 7 days”, “Noooo!! Come and kill me now!! 7 days is too long, my eyes, my poor eyes!!”
This morning has been rather strange for me, a little channel surfing resulted in me watching a sport called Kabaddi. Now it’s very rare for me to say, but this is a sport I simply haven’t got a fucking clue as to what’s going on. Not a clue, they all face off, then one guy sort of does a little bit of back and forth... then they either fall over on him or he walks back. Points are somehow awarded for reasons unknown, honestly I watch some Winter Olympic sports with more clue as to the rules, I’m all over the place with this. The guys playing also need to look into wearing cups, jeez, the amount of scrote on view in the slow motion replays is enough to put you off donuts for life.
We had transfer deadline day this past week, I live updated that for 7 hours on Monday, 7 hours that I can never get back. One of the dullest days there has ever been, even the talking heads on Sky seemed to give up on it all. The big moves were players no bugger has heard of, Pep saved the whole day though didn’t he with the announcement that he’s off to Man City. Clearly a move based on their vast history and footballing traditions… nothing to do with a shit load of cash and the ability to buy the title. This is what pisses me off with new money in football, Chelsea, PSG, Man City, all are guilty, they start to believe they have earnt their success. I wonder, do their fans watch shows like Premier League Years or even earlier football? They must wonder why their team is floating around at the arse end of the table, it’s because of the money!! Little rant there, I apologise.
Anyway back to the deadline day rubbish, shock horror as yet again Berahino wasn’t really wanted enough by anybody to sign him, Pulis doesn’t even really want him at West Brom. Means we all have to sit through a shitty Berahino saga yet again in the summer, book your tickets for deadline day. Was nice to see Odemwingie involved again, that should be a regular thing as yet another move falls through for him. Live from a carpark, “where you off to this time Peter?” Sums up deadline really though doesn’t it, Berahino and Odemwingie, average players not moving being the main talk.
A little break away from my usual, currently Leicester City are smashing Manchester City all over the Etihad, they could actually bloody do this couldn’t they? I don’t think they will, but they are in the contest for sure. More or less guaranteed themselves Champions League football next year which is ridiculous. That goal last weekend from the toe rag Jamie Vardy was something special, not like Mr Tumble, I mean genuinely something special. Makes the lack of transfers from clubs even worse, this title was there to be bought up, one big signing could have done it. If City, Arsenal, Spurs or even United fall short by a couple of points then questions will have to be asked. Why not buy a player when you had the chance?
Elsewhere in football, the leader of the Neville siblings was given a drubbing by the Barcelona lads. Have to feel a bit for Gary though, he’s getting the knife from everyone now, but Barca could batter any side 7 zip, and he had a man sent off, has huge injury problems and a very thin squad. Crap result yes, but you have to look at it in context. Speaking of Spanish boys, Bobby Martinez was caught on camera busting out the very finest dance moves at a Jason Derulo (?) concert, what a guy, I have no idea of the music in question but what silky frigging moves, and has no shame in admitting it either.
I would just like to use this paragraph to highlight that one of the possible contenders for FIFA Presidency is called Tokyo Sex Whale. Why is this not the biggest news item of all time? Not just a whale, a sex whale, from Tokyo. It’s like a fucking monster movie isn’t it, Godzilla vs King Kong vs the Tokyo Sex Whale!!
Found out earlier today that Patrick Swayze was a dead person, apparently died 7 years ago, where have I been living? Poor old Swayze, always found him slightly weird in films, like Ghost and Donnie Darko, he was always still that creepy guy from Dirty Dancing in my mind. That girl was clearly too young in that film and he manipulated her, and what kind of grown arse man chases a girl known to everyone as ‘baby’, it’s wrong, plain wrong you should be ashamed. “Nobody puts Baby in the corner”, well actually Patrick I’m her father and she’s clearly too young to have some creepy old man woo her young mind with dance porn.
Watched a bit of the Simpsons over the last few days, breaks my heart that show, it became so preachy and shit, they should really give some consideration to ending it. I think I know the problem, it’s bloody Lisa Simpson, nobody can like that character. Family Guy showed the way to deal with the problem, Meg is the annoying daughter and they give her all kinds of shit, it’s hilarious, Lisa is just there stinking up the programme. I’ve started watching a bit of Rick and Morty now, playing a bit of catch up there but what a show. “Show me what you got!” How do I miss stuff like this, always late to the party.
So there we have it, my footballing week in words has come to an end once again, hang on let me check if I spoke about football, sort of, I mentioned it in passing. Damn I’ll have to up my game, how am I going to get my high profile transfer to China with content like this. Anyway, I’m off to watch Summerslam 1992 again, did you know the Legion of Doom came out with a fucking wooden doll? Shambolic from those boys, hard men don’t use wooden dolls, words to live by people, words to live by. Take it easy.