by Darren Hound - 30th January 2016
It’s that time again, well actually it’s past the time again, the illness is still real but I’m back with another footballing week in words. Been bloody wiped out with this virus, lot of it going around, I know one of the FanFormation guys has been totalled by it as well so my little bittle is probably a welcome relief in their hopes for new content.
Speaking of my little bit, despite a lot of other over-hyped crap making its way to China this week, I can guarantee that Daz Hound remains UK based for now. Unless China wants to pay me a couple of million of course… come on Beijing... show me the money! Anyone else surprised with all the China money flying about to see Adebayor only move to Crystal Palace? He’s perfect for their footballing ‘project’ isn’t he, past his prime, can’t be arsed, big salary... the poster child really. Opportunity missed China… opportunity missed.
Talking of missed opportunities, anyone remember Dani Behr? She was that sort who followed 90’s footballers around back in the day, with a name like that and a less than stellar career in acting, she was perfect for porn films. “Laid Behr”, “Behr in the woods”, “sexual swimming with Dani Behr” … the titles just name themselves, if anyone needed career advice it was her. “Dani Behr in… ‘BehrBack to the Future!” Think of the possibilities there with that movie, “Hey Doc, are you telling me, you made a time machine… out of a sexy toy?” “Once we hit 88 miles per hour, you’re gonna see some serious shit”. Marvellous, another life opportunity not taken.
Ok we’ve gone off tangent early here, so let’s try and reel it back in a bit. What has been happening in the week? Well the Royal Rumble happened, mixed on it to be honest, my boy Nakamura hasn’t made his debut yet, we’ll still have to wait on that, but AJ Styles got involved, what a time to be alive. Would have had him as my winner rather than Nipple H’s husband, but even he is better than Roman Reigns I guess. Tuned into Raw the next day, again hoping for my boy to show up, and I saw signs that maybe the crappy PG era might be coming to an end. Hopefully it wasn’t a one off, it’s no fun with silent crowds and crap acting. Give me my wrestling back Vince!
Dele Alli has once again proven that he is the messiah, come to save English football and lead Spurs to the title. No… I am not getting carried away with this, I’ve demanded that Lord Alli be given more appreciation on this website, but apparently he already has a wonderkid page, won my Wonderkid Rumble and was in an England review or some shit. Not enough, I want a permanent shrine to the lad on the front-page, his goal last week was worth that on its own. Elsewhere in football, United are still a load of old boring shite, Chelsea went ‘full bastard’ on Arsenals title hopes and Andros Townsends transfer to the kingdom of the horse punchers has guaranteed his place in Roy Hodgson’s Euro 2016 squad. Not sure what Roy sees in ‘the Dros’, he really is his dirty little secret.
We’ve had some cup semi-finals go on, Liverpool and City both snaked their way through to Wembley, and in Italy it looks like bloody AC Milan might be on the brink of a final again, until they get smashed by Juve. Would be nice to have a competitive Milan side back in football wouldn’t it, would also be nice to have Parma back in Serie A… I miss the old days, the Lentini’s, the Weah’s, the Asprilla’s. Football was better when Italian football was strong.
Now I’m sat thinking about the old days again, when tv and films were better, when music was good, when I could get away with wearing Bermuda shorts in public. Anyone remember ‘Boy Meets World’? Think it was a Disney show, was pretty good shit if I remember correctly. Not sure if that would age well if I watched it now though, Eric was always a cool customer, and there was that young girl Topanga, or Tapenga… I honestly have no clue how that name could be spelt. I wonder though, did she grow up to be a stone cold fox. Time to google this shit, did the girl from Boy Meets World become a big fitty.
Ahem… yes… yes she did. Got to love the internet. Is that wrong though? It feels wrong? Checking out a child star now she’s a grown ass woman? It’s like Kirsten Dunst, she’s a looker but she was a kid in Interview with a Vampire. Or Natalie Portman, in Leon and Heat she was still a kid, but people perve over her now… not that I’m perving over what’s her chops but you know what I mean… let’s change the subject!
Robot Wars is coming back; it has been missed. I always remember being slightly disappointed though with the nerds. All the machines started looking the same, just metallic blocks of cheese with no real weapons on them. I want flamethrowers, dart guns, tear gas, electricity, I want the whole f’ing show like Rob Van Dam. Instead of flipping things over, smash them up. There used to be this little nerd group who’d turn up in suits and shades, looking fucking mustard and gangsterish. Hindsight now tells me that actual gangster types wouldn’t be building remote control ‘robots’ to impress a Scouse comedian. Actual fucking gangsters are at home doing lines of coke, watching ‘Jingle Cats’ on the internet over and over again.
Couple of more days until we have to suffer through Deadline Day, I’m anticipating a massive non-event. The day should be renamed the ‘Who wants Berahino the least’ day, every damn window seems to be about where he might go… then ends up nowhere. It used to be better didn’t it? Like have actual big transfers and stuff going on? Now we don’t even get the lunatics in the back of camera jumping around with sex toys, it’s all so tame and uninspiring. Give us sex toy, cocaine and fucking jingle cats! That’s the deadline day we’d all remember.
I do believe I actually talked about football this week, what are the odds? Next week hopefully I’ll be virus free, and will cover the deadline day bollocks in all its tedious glory. Maybe Jim White will lose his fucking mind live on air and start a 4 hour jenkem binge, now that would be entertainment, much better than Peter Odemwingie sat in a car park. Until then people, I’m off to kick ass and chew bubble-gum, just like the Hot Rod. Catch you later.