by Darren Hound - 15th January 2016
Well I’m back, and better than ever, damn I miss Eric Bischoff... anyway I have returned to give my views on the footballing week and stuff in general. Apparently my little bit got some decent views last week so the FanFormation guys have asked me to keep going, and also they’ve given me the green light for something special in the next few days. I don’t mean I’m dressing up as Mr Tumble... that would be disturbing, speaking of which, is it just me or is there something not right about that. The guy himself is clearly very nice and entertaining, but that whole Mr Tumble image... it’s very well... you know... Then again kids tv in general these days is a little bit like that, ‘Dirt girl World’ and ‘Grandpa in my Pocket’, you have to double check what channel you’re watching at times. Makes me pine for the old days, Transformers, Inspector Gadget, Bodger and Badger. Speaking of badgers, there has been a dead edition around my way for a few weeks now, proper grim roadkill edition. Rather than move it from view somebody has hung it on a barbed wire fence so it faces the path, not even mashed potato is going to make that one feel better.
Last weekend our game was cancelled due to the weather, not the best really as it means I had to waste most of the day, we’re away at Fir Hill this weekend and the threat of sitting on the bench is looming large again. Unbelievable isn’t it, I’ve been planning all sorts of celebrations for when I score a goal too, think I’ll go for the ‘dab’ pose that Paul Pogba has been busting out lately, though there is the risk I’ll look like Bruce Forsyth if it goes wrong. It was the missus’ birthday last week and I pulled a blinder, nice meal, box of chocolates, job done. No tears, no tantrums and she dozed off early so I could watch American Sniper. I played the effort ball and come up trumps.
So what’s happened in football, well my Spurs boys played a déjà vu Leicester double header and were scuppered in both games. Talking of Leicester, that fella Leonardo Ulloa is a strange one isn’t he, every time I see him I think of the guy from ‘No Country for Old Men’. Good film that, well to be fair anything with Kelly Macdonald in is a must watch for me. Aston Villa went and bloody well won a game, took a keeper throwing one in for them to do it but a wins a win. Still not sure about Remi Garde though, his ‘coma face’ style doesn’t really strike me as inspiring. Also somehow Bournemouth and Watford have gone buck wild with their money and started pulling all sorts of signings out the air, Benik Afobe for £12 million. Bugger me. Yeah he’s decent but he’s hardly Gerd Müller is he.
On the continent Real and Atletico Madrid are both still playing catch up to Barcelona, and have now reached ‘transfer ban’ status, I’m looking forward to the political onslaught that Real will throw at this ban in the hopes of overturning it, should be entertaining. Personally I’m relieved, means our Spurs lads are safer for a bit longer, that special arrangement translates to ‘we bend over and get what we’re given’.
Also it was the Ballon d’Or awards this week, as expected the best player in the World won the best player in the World award for the fifth time. But for once Lionel Messi has missed a trick, he had that once in a lifetime chance to get on stage, take his award then shout into his hand “five time, five time, five time!” and perform the biggest damn Spineroonie in the history of man. Much better than last years, remember Ronaldo making that weird guttural noise in his celebration? Sounded like one of those tits from Finding Bigfoot when they make ‘calls’ in the woods.
Oh social media news, I am now on Twitter. Unbelievable isn’t it, I am still yet to tweet, I feel my first one should be wrestling related, maybe I’ll go for a Randy Savage quote. “Too hot to handle, too cold to hold”, wow what a line, should have that written on my gravestone really. Why don’t football players do that, come up with classic lines and promos before and after games? Cantona did it with his seagulls following the trawler shtick, Keegan did it too didn’t he, getting his perm in full wobble as he shouts “I’d love it, love it if we beat them”, that’s what football misses now.
At home we have cat related news, said cat was purchased to detract mice from illegally entering the premises, and this week we finally had success. Score one for the cat, it did take a mouse to literally walk into the cat bed but success was had and it’s better than nothing. What kind of mouse does that? This was some real life Tom & Jerry shit, it went full Japanese fighter pilot and channelled a divine wind. Said mouse is now an ex mouse. A message for all literate mice out there who may be reading this, stay clear cos this cat means business. Speaking of cats, anyone remember that American guy who paid thousands of dollars to have surgery to turn him into a ‘cat man’, think he called himself ‘prancing cat’ or something weird. If I was to have surgery to turn me into an animal it wouldn’t be a cat, I’d go for a goose, I’d love nothing more than sitting in the park hissing at people. Think that cat man guy died in the end, you would have thought he’d have 9 lives wouldn’t you. Would have made the perfect sidekick for Catwoman, maybe that was his end game plan.
Speaking of weird things, a friend of mine was telling me she gave her ex a ‘toe job’. I was scared to ask what she meant by that, does that mean she stuck one up his arse or what? Actually I don’t want to know, toes are vile things, I will never understand why some people have that fetish. I’ve gone off topic again haven’t I, have to keep reminding myself this is meant to be about football. Well I guess that last part did involve a foot so we’re not too far away.
Anyway that is it from me this week, look out for something special from me in the next few days, personally I can’t wait. Have a great week guys and girls, hope your days are chock full of awesome. Just like Biff Tannen, I’m going to make like a tree... and get the hell out of here. Take it easy.