by Darren Hound - 8th January 2016
I’ve been asked by the guys at FanFormation to share my thoughts and views on the game every week with anyone that cares to read them, which is nice… Or shit depending on your point of view. Apparently though I have to get my arse involved with social media going forward, I’ve never really seen the point of it. I mean what is the point of Facebook? What do I do there? Isn’t it just baby pics and tagging yourself at shopping centres? Or Instagram maybe, that to me looks like a place where people just touch themselves while looking at stranger’s holiday photos. Think if I have to get involved I’ll get on the Twitterati bandwagon, apparently it’s the perfect place to get abuse by people you’ll never meet. It’s been my lifelong dream to be called a prick by random folk, so that’s the place for me.
Well it’s FA Cup weekend isn’t it, are there any games on tv at all? Seems to be a thing of the past that, I don’t get BT sport and I’m not about to pay out even more cash to get it, ridiculous that, isn’t football meant to be about the fans? Now you have to pay a small fortune to watch on tv, even more to go to a game and you’re screwed if you want to buy your nipper a replica kit because that means another re-mortgage of your home. Doesn’t it grind your gears when you watch a player sitting on the bench wearing a hat and gloves thinking about how he’s going to spend his 100k a week, and you’ve just spent so much to get a seat for the game that you can’t even afford a half time pie.
No FA cup for me this week anyway, we have a big fixture against Teybridge on Sunday, a game I’m on the bloody bench for. All because I cracked a shit at the gaffer last week for picking me as a wing back, on the left side as well, what was he thinking. I’m not left footed, I can’t tackle and I can’t run, and he got a strop on because I’d been out for a ruby the night before, wing back material I was not. So yeah this week I’ve been dropped to the subs bench for being ‘unprofessional’, can you believe that, it’s amateur football anyway. Plus, it’s frigging freezing at the moment, I’m going to be sat on that bench shivering, looking like a forgotten bollock, I can’t wait. I’ve been getting in good shape all week too, spent Wednesday practising my dribbling skills against my dog. Ok it’s not the same I know; I mean I highly doubt the Teybridge centre backs will adopt the ‘sniffing the groin’ approach that my dog chose but you have to be prepared for anything these days. Bench for me though, maybe I should throw a Tevez and refuse to go on when the gaffer makes changes. Bitter? Yep.
So what’s been cracking this week in football, I see my Spurs lads are getting hustled by Madrid again, Harry Kane to the Bernabéu is the latest one in the gossip columns. Can’t see it myself, why would they go for Kane? Love the fella to bits but he’s not quite Real Madrid material is he, I’m more worried about losing Poch and Dele Alli. Speaking of Alli, is it just me or is he a ‘featureless’ man? I don’t mean that in a nasty way, but is it possible to pick out any facial features he has. Imagine he burgled your home, could you really describe his appearance to the police? “Erm.. he has hair.. that’s dark I guess... it’s shortish... his face... is well… well he has eyes a nose and a mouth... but err…” Fantastic little player though, as always though with Spurs we’ll just sell him on to someone else, if it’s not Man United these days it’s Madrid, so much for our clubs ‘special arrangement’.
On the continent Barcelona have had their transfer ban lifted, and celebrated in style with a couple of feisty Catalan derbies. Real Madrid went and put Rafa out of his misery, never a good fit that, and replaced him with Zidane of all people. I know the guy was a great footballer, but going from managing in the third tier of Spanish football, with limited success mind, to the biggest club in the sport? Seems a strange and risky move, but as long as they steer clear of Poch I’ll be a happy man, would be more worried if I was a Chelsea fan though, Eden Hazard must be quite high on Zizou’s shopping list. Aubameyang has won the African player of the year award, FIFA fans all cry out in unison that they discovered the lad, British journalists fall into line and claim he is Premiership bound and somewhere just outside London, a crack team of doctors are desperately trying to put Paul Mersons head back together after his latest attempt to say “Aubameyang”.
But the biggest news of the week, as newspapers and TV will keep on telling us, is that Saint Pepus of Guardiola is Premiership bound. My god... already I’m sick of the “where will he go” speculation and I’m a big fan of the guy. This shit is going to rumble on right until the summer, may as well end the season now because everything that happens on the pitch between then is pointless, the real event is Pep!! He’s coming, oh my god grab a hanky, kiss those babies, launch a boat somewhere, Pep is coming. Now don’t get me wrong here, he’ll do a good job wherever he goes, let’s face it he will be backed financially like a 6 legged racehorse, but can we deal with all the speculation crap at the end of the season please?
Oh yeah and the transfer window is in full swing, those reporters have those yellow ties on, a man in Stoke is shining up his signature rubber love length and Jim White is stood naked in front of a mirror in his hotel telling himself that he deserves this. Already I’ve thrown an imaginary shoe at the television, that bald chap they have on Sky Sports News for this transfer stuff, he comes on “Big news for Watford fans… you’re on the verge of signing Suárez…. no not Luis but instead Mario Suárez”. Would that be Spanish International Mario Suárez mate? He ain’t a bad player really, you’re all busy rubbing bones over the form of Gareth Barry and still mock this lad? Do me a favour. This is the same channel that fawned over the signing of Andy Carroll for Liverpool, glossing over the little Uruguayan Luis Suárez that was stood next to him. It turned out Captain bitey was a much better player than the Geordie manhorse didn’t it. That’s why football hates the British, or more accurately, the English. We act like we are better than everyone else, and that football not only started in 1992, but doesn’t really extend beyond this shores. Unless we get to the Champions League final without any English clubs then the pundits will start acting like they’ve been watching Zenit St. Petersburg since the dawn of man.
But away from football now, watched Jurassic World with the missus last night, I thought it was bloody good, although not sure how they top it. Making a bigger T-Rex that can camouflage, and think like a raptor, and be invisible to heat sensors... how do you top that? Will the dinos talk in the next movie? Maybe they can get the cast from that Dinosaurs TV sitcom that used to be on, you know, Jim Henson that shit. Maybe have Baby Sinclair escape his exhibit and rip off people’s heads, shouting “Not the Momma! Not the Momma!!”, you know go really dark with it all. Actually thinking about that show, did anyone else find it weird that every dinosaur in the Sinclair family was a different species?
Speaking of the missus, it’s her birthday next week and I need to redeem myself a bit. Last year was a hug let down with the kitchen utensils gift set, blimey she cried so much I thought there’d be a queue of fucking animals outside waiting two by two. So I need to pull something out the fire this year, I’m thinking Star Wars cosplay... she’d look great in a Chewbacca costume.
Anyway, that was the week in football... well that was the week... look it’s the first one of these so I’m bound to dribble on about random crap. Maybe next week I’ll get better at it, I’ll be cutting and strutting like Brutus Beefcake, set up on the Twittersphere and talking about football... you know the thing I’m meant to be talking about. Take it easy people.