by Darren Hound - 1st February 2016
My favourite deal today was the Niasse one at Everton, it was a real hero when that came through. It was a pretty crappy deadline day all things considered, most are over rated but this was a new low point. We'll be back in the Summer for hopefully a more exciting day.
I've been Daz Hound, please come and read my week in words and Wonderkid Royal Rumble, links are in the menu on the left. Come on I deserve your views for this 7 hour slog.
Thanks for reading, I'm off to bed. Take it easy people.
It's over!! We made it!! It was appalling as a spectacle!! But we made it as a team, let us never talk about it again. Thank you for joining me with this, it's been an ordeal it really has.
Almost time, we're nearly there, Niall Quinn is talking and talking and talking, we all want to die, I know we do, Quinny does that to us but we have to remain strong.
How harsh is this from Sky, double teaming us with Quinn and Merse. Bigger bastards than Diego Costa.
8 minutes to go and we're off to Norwich!! Count those 8 minutes on one of your Norwich hands!!
News, Remi Garde considering his future. Knowing Remi, his future will be grim if he's considering it. He has the look of a man that has lost all love in the World. The saddest person in history, a genuine coma face. Poor guy.
Christ, Sparky looks like he has been dug up! Well to be fair, he has spent the whole day in Stoke. Poor bastard.
We're nearly at the end now, to be honest I'm bloody chuffed that Imbula deal went through then, for a moment I thought I'd have to sit up and wait on it. Wonder what's going on with Falcao, no word on his movements... I don't mean his shits... well actually no I do mean that, I want to know about his toilet habits. It's been a dank day and quite frankly that would improve my mood.
Quick check on the titty channels? Why not...
Jesus... there was one channel there that hurt my eyes, who the hell is calling her up? She looks like she should be fixing a lorry, not swinging her big moo cow boobs about on a bed.
STOKE HAVE SIGNED IMBULA!!!! FOR 18 BLOODY MILLION!!
We have another transfer, I know it's crap but we're taking it, it's our deal of the day, god bless you Stoke. You may be the arse end of civilisation, but you've pulled through when it mattered. Wave your dildos high and proud, you bloody did it!!
Clean as a squid is back again... for the millionth time tonight...
Transfer news, van Ginkel has gone to PSV on loan and apparently Middlesbrough are bringing in de Sart from Liege. Clean as a bloody squid. Those words sum up the whole day for me, I hate squids.
Oh here we go, Sky are using computer games stats to talk about a player they've never heard of.
Half hour to go!!! We have had zero dildos!! Repeat, zero dildos!
Aitor Karanka has the look of a drunk man interviewed beside a crime scene.
Look Abdo is asking Merse a question, you can see the pain in her face. She's intelligent and multi-ligual, Merse is barely lingual. I bet she's had better conversations with ducks in the park. Merse is actually looking more vacant than usual, almost has a scared look to him. You sort of feel sorry for him, he should probably be in a home.
Advert time, what we got? A Ford advert with that Django Django song, ok, not bad. What's next? BetFred is up next, pretty basic stuff, now we get the Lloyds Bank one with the horses and here comes the big bad wolf dance. Lovely stuff. Ooh I thought we were done, a Scottish Power one has just come on too. No clean as a squid, colour me happy.
Back to the studio, what's the chat? We're talking Jordan Rhodes again.
We're talking newborn babies instead of transfers. That's how low we have sunk, right that's it I'm browsing the titty channels.
Meh... must be a rough night. The dregs are on shift tonight. Couple of yes's, one or two maybe's, a drink needed for one and a paper bag for a couple of others. Not good.
You know what has been nice though, no mention of Spurs losing Dele Alli, Kane or Lloris. Would have been nicer if we'd gone and signed Gabigol or someone but I'm happy. We have the Wonderkid Royal Rumble winner, the guy in the goggles who will lead us to the title. Dele Alli, leader of men!
We're still talking about Berahino, nobody cares, nobody wants him, let's move on. Talk about my boy Ken Zohore! Let's just get Abdo and that Sawyer girl on and have a chat about their weekends, fuck transfers, let's just have a chat.
So Natalie Sawyer, what's your ideal evening? "you're my ideal evening Daz, you are, glazed in pickled onion juice". What a dream that would be.
Berahino has done a tweet!! Brace yourself!!! Oh it's a normal one, well that sums up the whole day. Cobblers.
Less than an hour left!! And we get the Leroy Fer news that we found out about a few hours ago... but that made it sound like news so it's still good.
Just over an hour to go, we're nearly through this people. Stoke are still trying to get the Imbula deal done, Jim White is shouting, the MacQueen lass is talking loudly in the background, the spud faced cretins Quinny and Merse are trying to add some filler. We're nearly at the end.
The window in some European Countries is about to shut, we have a little while to go. I need a deal!! Send me away from this 7 hour hell with a deal!! Oh shit an ad break... don't you dare 'clean as a squid' me, I can't take that again...
Jim White just did a little skip on stage. Look how fucking proud of himself he is.
Right I'm back, I needed that, I was struggling for a bit but Rocky just inspired the hell out of me. Good old Apollo, he gave him back his eye of the tiger.
So what have I missed? I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say 'not much'. Oh apparently I was right, literally nothing has happened in that time.
Just as I say that Nick Powell has moved to Hull on loan. What perfect timing.
A 'really eventful' day at Leicester apparently, no deals going on, but they assure us that it has definitely been a really eventful day.
I might start channel surfing, see what good stuff is on. Oh now that is a treat, turn on Rocky III just as we're near the end fight. First line is Clubber saying "prediction...... pain..."
Apologies to deadline day for a moment, I'm watching Rocky knock this bum out.
No Abdo and that advert comes on AGAIN!!! Clean as a squid!!!
They've farmed her off out to the back haven't they, I reckon she spurned Jim's advances and now that other lass has taken the spot. I needed Abdo, we all did, it's been a grim old day and this is a right old kick in the bollocks.
You can actually see the effort in Merse's face as he tries to speak in words.
Where is Abdo????
Oh there she is, they chucked a curve ball.
Here comes Jim White... he had his own bloody walk on. I would have given anything for Tiss just to knee him in the groin as he went to get his seat, then watch him try to recover over the next two hours. I don't mind Abdo, she knows her stuff, but Jim White... he'll bang on about Pep straight away won't he... with Merse and Quinn, two of the most plum faced buffoons the World has ever spawned.
I'm scared of the next two hours, this is my personal hell. I need Abdo to help me through this, we're fighting against the horde Abdo, we need to knuckle down together.
Here we go, fresh on the heels of another of those toilet roll squid adverts we have a big transfer go through. Well I say big, it's Jordan Rhodes to Middlesbrough but wait...
The Everton deal has just gone through!!! Oumar Niasse for about £13 million. We have a proper transfer, finally, I'm almost emotional. I know nothing about Niasse but I fucking love the bloke to bits!! He's an actual transfer that has actually happened.
That's two deals in two minutes, and one even involves a Premier League club!!!
In other news, John Souttar is linked with a move to Hearts.
Steven Fletcher has joined Marseille on loan. The next Papin surely!!
Business has just picked up, we only have some bloody Yaya Sanogo news people. What a treat. The man that Ronald de Boer claimed has "no recognisable quality", has been binned off as a loan option at Ajax. Now he's being moved on to Charlton for another cheeky loan.
What a time to be alive, 20 minutes until Jim White, Merse and Quinn, and now we have a Yaya Sanogo move.
Falcao is apparently in Spain trying to find a place to play, what a sad fall from grace, I reckon the Beegee lion of the Neville family will take him in with loving arms. Come on Gary, stick him up top with Paco Alcacer
Is it Benzema??? Isco??
It's an 18 year old Venezuelan... apparently a wonderkid... you know what, I'm calling it now, this is the worst fucking transfer window of all time. Not even piss poor. Oh rather than talk about it on Sky they are going straight back into talking about Pep, they have abandoned ship on this one today, wouldn't surprise me if they slowly remove all the yellow from the screen and just carry on as normal.
Further transfer news to come from Watford!! Exciting stuff, maybe it's Kaka, maybe David Villa... it's going to be a biggie I can feel it in my bones. Believe people, don't let us down Watford.
It's on again!! As clean as a squid! Such aggressive advertising for what is basically shit wipes. Is it for all the crap coming out of deadline day? Maybe so, it's starting to get to me now though I won't lie, not as bad as that "I got bills, I gotta pay" advert, but not far off.
As clean as a squid...
Just over 3 hours left!!! Bring us some big money deals!!!
Oh dear God, just had that moment of realisation, it won't be long until Niall Quinn and Paul Merson are in the studio. With Jim White. I immediately regret my decision to live update this, I am forced to keep the television on. We just had a Harry Redknapp reference out of nowhere at Villa Park, someone must be playing deadline day bingo.
Here come's a Remi Garde interview to cheer me up, too late... he spoke... I am now in a coma. Pure inspiration that chap, liquid energy. This reporter at Villa looks like Harry Enfield, wish he was on, doing that interview with Julio Geordio.
We are banging on about Pep again over on SSN, but under the radar Swansea have signed Leroy Fer on loan from QPR. Decent lad Fer.
Jim White is taking the personal glory for that Kazim-Richards news. He winked at the screen and everything, what a twonk. Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue...
BREAKING NEWS!! BLACK TICKER TAPE!! THIS WILL BE HUGE NO DOUBT, IT HAS INTERRUPTED AN ADVERT!! WHAT WILL IT BE!!!!
Celtic sign Colin Kazim-Richards...
For fuck sake...
BREAKING NEWS!! Storm Henry might make a helicopter in Leicester not take off!!! It might be grounded people!! Pray for that chopper!! Damn you Storm Henry, you're a monster!!!
Promising Croat Andrija Balic has joined Udinese from Hajduk. Just thought'd throw that one out there, Jamie Redknapp is talking so all our brains will soon melt.
Looks like Debuchy is off to Bordeaux on loan, Stevie Fletcher could be heading to Marseille as well. I'll be honest with you now, I'm struggling to find an ounce of enthusiasm for either deal. We're just over 4 hours left and we're all in need of a bit of excitement.
Oh Jordan Rhodes is at Middlesbrough for his on/off move, brilliant. Ooh we have a panel change, Thierry has earnt his 400 million salary, him and Ray Parlour are off, looks like we're getting Tiss, big nose and that fucker Jamie Redknapp.
As clean as a squid! Every damn break this advert comes on. How much toilet roll are they hoping to shift?? Being as a clean as a squid isn't even a good thing, if I turned up for a date smelling like a squid I'd get nowhere. Well even more nowhere than usual.
Back talking about Pep Guardiola again... ooh breaking news!!! Watford have done a transfer!! Abdoulaye Doucoure!!! This isn't enough to cause a break in the Pep talk though.
This really misses the fan interaction, I know the majority are feckwits but at least it carries a little risk with the reporting. We are down to our final 4 and a half hours, in one of the worst transfer windows ever known. The league is there to be bought, yet nobody seems to want it.
Quick check on the continent, Cheryshev to Valencia seems to be on the cards. Tasci has gone to Bayern. Not much else really, Quagliarella to Sampdoria, quiet old times.
SIGNING ALERT!!! We have a bloody transfer people!!!
Bournemouth have signed Rhoys Wiggins... and just like that, we're back talking about Pep Guardiola again. I blame you for this Rhoys Wiggins, if you were better this would have been bigger news. All jokes aside though, I'm sick to the pits of my ball bags with this Pep stuff now, he isn't coming until the summer and we're reeling off stat pages and asking anyone within a mile of a camera. Not sure how we're going to move on from this, we need a big transfer, we need a monster one. Ooh we're off to Rob Dorsett... this could be the big news we need...
Either Remy or Diouf are wanted by Leicester. Fuck you Rob Dorsett, this isn't good enough, they will go straight back to talking about Pep after you click off.
Blimey, nearly two hours done for me so far. I've had to dig deep early with some cheesy onion rings, really need things to pick up. The repeating adverts are already taking a toll... I'm as clean as a squid. Get back in the sea sunshine, you're not one to be trusted.
Hey it's Monday isn't it, that means Raw is on tonight, come on Nakamura do a big exciting run in and go 'strong style' on someones ass.
Oh they are announcing tweets on Sky, they never read the good ones. "bored of SSN, having a wank and an ice cream". It's amazing all the backstage stuff on Sky, All those nerds on their laptops, probably the kids at school that screamed when the ball went near their face, all those nerds and so slow with any exclusive stories. What are they doing? Hopefully bloody reading this actually. Oi nerds!! Daz Hound says hello.
Is it just me, or is Claudio Ranieri looking more and more like the android in Alien with each passing day. Was a late comer to that film series, still not really won over by it if I'm being honest. Quite enjoyed the Predator crossover stuff, but on their own merits the Alien films still need to convince me.
Oh hang on this is deadline day, what's going on right now? Oh we're banging on about John Terry. Hope the guy gets a new club deal somewhere, not because I like him, I just don't want him on Monday Night Football.
Imbula to Stoke looks like being 'the' transfer of deadline day, you'd love to be the guys agent wouldn't you, it was only a few months ago he moved to Porto for big money. Must be on a tidy little earner again with his move to Stoke.
Oh we're back talking Berahino again at Sky... how many windows go by before we acknowledge that nobody cares.
You can literally see the joy on the faces of the Sky mob can't you. This Pep news has saved their deadline day, now they no longer care about Oumar Niasse or Zakaria Labyad. All about Guardiola now.
Jim bloody White is on my screen... no tie, button undone, hamming it up. Bugger off Jim, you're all that's wrong with the World. He'll be off to stand naked in front of the mirror now, flexing his muscles like a wrestler from the 80's.
Why don't we get Abdo or Sawyer on the tv before their stint? Why aren't they half clothed and button free, sexism from you Sky. Trying to pull the wool over our eyes with stupid sexy silver Jim, give us the girls. Where's Jerry Lawler when you need him...
No sign of that reporter who looks like a murderer yet... jeez louise, hold the phone, how fucking scary does Don Goodman look? He see's heat like the Predator I'm sure of it. Cover yourselves in mud people, cover yourselves in mud, Don is coming!
Here's come Thierry and Ray Parlour, earn that big salary Thierry, fucking earn it... and steer well clear of Don Goodman. Watershed that scary motherfucker.
Peter Odemwingie stays!! Odemwingie stays!! The French don't want him either, back to the car park Peter, back to the car park... no not that one, Stan is there!!
Alan Pardew is that bloke you meet at the hotel bar on holiday isn't he, you know the one who talks a good game but then goes on to bang your wife.
Apparently Nick Powell could be off on loan again, at what point does he acknowledge he's not going to make it at Old Trafford and just crack on with his career? If you can't get in ahead of Jesse Lingard you know you're in trouble.
Is it worth me keeping a list of done deals on this page? Probably not really... maybe when we're all said and done one of the other guys will do it.
Not sure how I feel about this new Dads Army film... not sure at all. Tampering with a classic is risky, look at the damage it did to Wayne Rooney.
We're already filling time at Sky... Smudger and Higginbotham are talking Berahino again... 21 million bloody bid? What a shambles, the market is a load of old cobblers isn't it.
Wonder how long until Pep get's mentioned again...
Ooh I missed a transfer, Doumbia loaned to Newcastle. Bloody hell, it's like a FIFA youtubers wet dream, Doumbia and Emenike both moving to the Premier League. Sweaty goals, pack openings, over acting and general twatness. Fuck those guys.
Good day people!! It's me again, we're here at Sky Sports News biggest moment, it's only bloody well transfer deadline day isn't it. I'll be live updating this shit as it it all pans out today, what time is the deadline you ask? How long am I here? Well 11 pm is the answer... 7 frigging hours to go.
All the news all the updates, it's coming in your ears like a dirty uncle! Any big deals, I'll tell ya, any purple dildo's, I'll tell ya, any quick breaks off to the Babestation channels when it all gets a bit boring, I'll tell ya!
So what's happened so far, Patrick Roberts has gone to Celtic on loan, Ken Zohore has done likewise at Cardiff. Eder is leaving on loan to Lille, Alex Pritchard has moved to West Brom from Spurs... Emenike to West Ham... Everton might sign some bloke. Spurs offloaded Fazio back to Sevilla, tasty bit of business that. Berahino has still not gone anywhere, Odem-fucking-Wingie is back in a transfer rumour, off to Marseille, Stoke may get Imbula from Porto... let's be honest, not much has happened yet.
BUT FUCKING PEP!! SOUND THE PEP ALARMS PEOPLE!!
The big masturbation on tv this window will be Saint Guardiola, yep he's Manchester City bound... in the summer. I'm already over it.
Right, well that's entry number one. Going to be a long old day so let's get cracking!